Calendar Date: July 7th, 2011 5:18 p.m.
Location: Lebanon, HI
Other notes: Needs a shower and a bigger brain.
Showed up at Dave's house at 6:00 pm. Thinks I'm some kind of hardcore feminist trying to prove myself because I asked him out first.
"Hello, I'm Blood Orchid, or just Blood. We met, like, an hour ago, but you aren't too bright so I threw my name out there again to keep you current. It doesn't really matter. What's your name again? Devon? Dietrich? It's Dietrich, isn't it?"
"Dave, actually."
"Sure. Whatever. Should we just go upstairs and get this over with? I'm really hungry."
"I thought we were going on a date."
"Oh, yeah. Right."
"I like unusual women."
"And I like idiots. This is perfect. You aren't going to start crying, are you? Because I'm not interested in any of that Phil Donahue/Alan Alda male sensitivity crap. I need a Kirk not a Picard. You follow me? We're walking. You like walking?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Let's move it."
We proceeded down Everett Avenue. I scanned the street for any place where I could lure this idiot into a dark corner and begin the quick work of skinning him alive.
"I love your eyes," he told me. "I'm sick of women who are just like everyone else. Society just squeezes them into a cookie cutter, but the ones who resist all that conditioning are the ones I admire."
Love. He loved my eyes. Okay. This was getting complicated already. I became instantly overwhelmed with feelings of isolation and loneliness. My hands trembled and my desperation threatened to overtake me. I stared into his own stupidly love-starved eyes and put the forthcoming feast on hold. Seconds later, tears flowed from my glowing eyes and I embraced him.
"I love you," I told him. And I meant it.
"Already?"
"I'm sorry. I forgot to mention that you should keep your pie hole shut. I'm having a moment, you fat slob. You won't do better than me."
"I agree."
"Because you are stupid. I get it. I think that's adorable. Really."
A tall but very thin woman approached us. Judging by the hate she was directing at Dave, I knew I had a fantastic man at my side.
"He's mine," I hissed like a feral cat. "Hit him up for child support payments some other time."
She threw some expletives his way and Dave just took it. Didn't say a word. Okay, I was dating a jar of mayonnaise as opposed to a bottle of Tabasco sauce. Blood, damn it! Why do you do this, I asked myself. Why are you continually drawn to losers and freaks? When will this cycle of abuse end? Just walk, Blood. Just walk away and do yourself a favor. But I couldn't. I was still hungry.
"Look! My cat!" I cried, pointing at some stray feline waltzing down a dark alley. "Please do me a huge favor and get her for me. Her name is Twaddles."
"I love cats."
"Get your butt over there! She's escaping!"
Dave bumbled his way into the alley to fetch the cat. I took one last look at him. I remembered his kindness, his gentle nature, and the tender moments we shared. And then I splattered his head with a rusty shovel someone had left lying around. The blade buried itself in his largely empty head. His precious blood flowed down my arms.
"My god," I gasped in disbelief. I fell to my knees and felt my soul quickly collapsing in on itself. "He's dead. Oh my god! No, no, no! It didn't have to happen this way. He had so much left to give."
Later that evening:
Dinner for one. No, no one will be joining me. No, I'm alright. It's just one of those days. But I just keep telling myself that there is someone for everyone. You have to keep believing because love is like that. It keeps me going. You know? You're really fat. And available, I take it. Perfect.
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